Mum Confessions: “After An Affair, Keeping Our Marriage Meant Working It Out Everyday”
Extramarital affairs are considered one of the most painful experiences in life. The betrayal can often be a blindsiding shock that often changes your view of life forever.
According to statistics, it is more common for us to hear the story of the man who cheats on a relationship and damages the family unit, even though the perpetrators are both husbands and wives.
Today at theAsianparent, however, we speak to a woman, whose identity has been held back due to her request for privacy, about the harrowing experience of the affair she had. She tells a timeline of her experiences and gives us an insight into what might be going on in the minds of someone involved in an affair.
A woman's account of her affair. Photo: iStock
He started out as a friend
"He started to be a friend of a friend. I met him on Facebook in the comments section when we were arguing about a topic that is of interest to both of us. He added me and we soon responded regularly to the others, at that time my husband knew about my existence as a friend of mine, ”she says.
“We had a great relationship from the start and in many ways it was a perfect addition: same preferences in almost everything, similar views. The chemistry was obvious from the first conversation, but in the beginning it was just friendship, ”she adds.
The mother of a five-year-old boy admits that she had had a miscarriage the previous year and was slowly starting to take on parts of her life when the affair happened.
“I had an older son who was five at the time, and the previous year I had a miscarriage at five months. It was a baby that I was looking forward to and a pregnancy that I enjoyed with all my heart. After the loss, I couldn't identify with any of my friends. I felt like they were on completely different planes. It was a contradiction every time we met because they showed these extra babies like arm candy on their arms and it thoroughly annoyed me. I stopped dating them, I stopped answering their calls, ”she says, adding that she saw it that way, although it wasn't her friends' intentions.
"I wanted new friends. When this guy came, I thought, "Perfect!" I had never had such a close male friend and thought I could do it. In my wildest dreams I never thought it would lead to anything else, because until then I was the mother and wife who followed the “norm”. My life was about my child, my house and my married life, ”she notes.
“During these initial discussions, my husband and child were consistently well represented. He knew I was married and had a family and I would give him information about my life every day. But slowly I started talking only about my son and avoided mentioning my husband and our ten-year marriage in my daily stories and chats with him until I slowly started to let my husband completely out of the conversation, ”she says .
The conversations, which were mostly funny and sparkling debates on interesting topics, soon developed coquettish connotations and had to be deleted so that her husband would not see them and become suspicious. "My husband has a more conservative style of speech, so I thought he would get upset about some of the messages that were exchanged since we were really open with each other. That's why I started deleting entire topics of the conversation, ”she says.
In retrospect, she notes that this was probably a way to prepare for the next level to develop romantic feelings for her friend, even though she said at the time that she really didn't know where the relationship would lead and that you would just wanted to be friends, and best friends too.
Keeping secrets from your partner is often the first catastrophic misstep that leads to extramarital affairs. Image source: | iStock
Extramarital affairs: Can a married woman and a single man be best friends?
But can a man and a woman really only be best friends? Experts have been discussing this for years.
"I would not say that all friendships lead to something dangerous. But for me - considering my circumstances and my life experiences and what I was looking for and what was missing in my life when he came along - yes. It all resulted in a dangerous fall It was just a matter of time, ”she says.
She notes that she really wanted to be companionship at first. She wanted someone to connect with and someone to identify with.
"My husband and I didn't talk much and we were at completely different wavelengths. We haven't been communicating much for years and he just focused on his work. I could be in extreme pain on the side and he wouldn't notice," she says .
She tells the story from her side, noting that it was something her husband didn't do to express his love and show that he cares about her.
"I don't want to sound like I'm honking at small things, but my birthday was never celebrated, anniversaries were not taken care of. I can count the number of times my husband touched my face as if for no reason. There was no tenderness in ours Relationship and I really longed for it, ”she notes.
“My husband didn't hold my hand in public or private. Random hugs and kisses never happened. The only touch I experienced was having sex. And there was a lot of it, but it wasn't very satisfactory at all. I just wanted to feel loved, I think. I feel almost human, ”she notes.
However, this was no cause for concern until her affair.
"To be honest, I didn't even feel like this was a problem, and I didn't even know what was missing or missing until this guy came and opened up a whole new world for me. Although I deeply regret the matter and everything that has happened, I am in a way grateful to him for showing me how it feels to be loved. I'm not sure if it was true love, but I would like to believe it. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm thankful that I was able to feel special even if it was only for a short time, ”she says.
“For years I just lived my life as a married woman and slowly lost my spark without knowing it, and suddenly this guy comes and tells me things that I no longer believed in myself. First of all, he was a very good friend. And he was very nice to me and I hadn't received these things for a long time before he came into my life, ”she adds.
She said it wasn't that everything that happened (or didn't happen) between her and her husband was reason enough to have an affair, but she chose what came out of the affair as something see that later helped her in her marriage.
Deciphering the matter: dealing with the consequences
The 32-year-old mother believes that she would have loved to confide in her husband, but that one day he found out by accident.
"I forgot to delete a message. But when he found out he was angry. And rightly so. He was so angry and told me that he would take my child away from me and apply for a divorce. It was the first time that I realized the severity of what I was doing, ”she says.
The very real danger of losing her son was more than painful for her, and she further notes that she didn't want to "break the family apart".
"I loved my husband - he is also my child's father and we shared some important things with each other," she says.
She decided to give everything to make the marriage work and correct what she had done.
"Now, almost four years later, fast forward, and it took a good three years before things finally normalized and collapsed. There is still a strange day when the incident is brought up, but the frequency has decreased so much, ”she notes.
The first thing she did was break up relationships with her partner and swear and keep the promise never to communicate with him again.
"As painful as it was, I was the culprit of a betrayal. I had done something unforgivable and it was only right for me to feel the pain, a fraction of the pain I had inflicted on my family, ”she notes.
Then came the long and arduous process of putting the parts of their marriage back together.
Repairing a broken marriage can be a long and arduous task. Photo: iStock
"I wanted to fix what I ruined, but I also wanted to improve it because it wasn't a good relationship at first," she notes.
“We went to a couple of marriage counselors, but nothing helped. He's not the type that ever opens up and talks about anything, so I quickly understood that the only help I would get on my relationship problems came from me. I was the only one who could fix that, ”she adds.
"I mostly stayed calm so he could take out his anger and I listened a lot. I spoke when he wanted me too and gave him details of everything: what I said, what I did, where I went. The affair I had was largely emotional, it was not sexual, but I met him outside a few times. And I gave my husband all the details he wanted until one day he stopped asking, ”she says.
As a couple, their first reaction was to turn to God and look for answers in religion, and while that helped, it didn't go very wrong.
“My husband suggested that we try to separate and see other people, and even mentioned once that we might want to stay but try the concept of an open marriage: where we were open to meeting new people and relationships to have them, "she says.
But soon all the suggestions disappeared along with his anger.
"After an affair it meant that our marriage worked every day"
But how do you start repairing something that may not be repairable after such a break?
"I think I was really just waiting for the storm. Just wait without responding and remember that it was my fault, so all I had to do was anchor and let everything spurt out. Fortunately, it did, ”she says.
"I had to keep watch over my relationship. For a very long time, it felt like I was just waiting for forgiveness while remaining repentant and trying to work on my marriage. It seemed to me that I had to be patient for a very long time, actually years, but I'm glad I did. I know that seems like a very anti-climatic answer, but that's exactly what I did. I waited a lot, ”she says.
However, while she waits, she realizes that the affair finally got her husband to communicate better with her. They now spoke without barriers between the two, as they had already had a very dirty experience and felt that there was nothing more to hide.
The additional levels of communication were useful to tie the broken relationship, and they remain married to this day.
“Fortunately, I was able to iron out (most) problems in my case and I'm still married to my husband. Are we happy Yes, luckily we are finally happy most of the time 4 years later. Of course, we're not always totally happy and I don't think it's someone, but we do our best. I'm trying my best, ”she says.
Counseling women in similar situations
As she talks about it, prays, and waits patiently for time to heal things, as time often does, she notes that she has also started to work on herself and her life perspective in general.
"In the meantime, I've been listening to a lot of TedTalks and lectures on extramarital affairs, the mentality of fraud and how it happened, and I've heard something very interesting that was like a revelation to me," she notes.
Here was a woman who had been a pious and faithful woman for over a decade and had done her family good. “I was a good mother, I was an exemplary woman before. Why did I do something like that? " she asks.
She says that in one of the numerous lectures she heard about the science of fraud, a relationship expert pointed out that sometimes people don't cheat because they turn away from their partner, but because they turn away from the person to whom they had become. It is not so much about looking for another person, but for another "self" who has to feel alive again.
“I had great ideas for my future when I was growing up, and I hadn't achieved it. I was a shadow of the person I was and I wasn't what I thought I was ten years earlier, ”she says.
“I started finding happiness in my life myself and stopped being dependent on my husband to make it available for me. I took lessons, started learning new skills, met people more often, and reconnected with safe friends, ”she notes, adding that getting love from her spouse should only be a bonus, since you are lucky first should find in yourself before you expect others to.
When asked what advice she would give women in situations similar to hers, she says, "Don't do it. Do not have close relationships with the opposite sex if you are married, even if it starts as a strong friendship. Do it is not unless it is a mutual friend and the friend is clearly present in your everyday life for your husband and not a secret, if you believe that you are keeping this relationship secret from your spouse, your best friends and your family you shouldn't have a relationship, ”she says.
In her opinion, fraud is all that requires you to build emotional walls with your spouse. "Choosing to trust and trust yourself and find joy and happiness, especially with someone else outside of your marriage, can directly lead to fraud: avoid this at all costs," she says.
"It is never okay to cheat. If you are abused (physically or mentally), leave the relationship instead of cheating. Fraud opens up a whole new can of worms that will dramatically change not only your husband's life, but also your life, ”she adds.
READ ALSO: 10 signs that your husband is cheating on a former lover
Mum Confessions: "After an affair it means that our marriage works every day" first appeared on Asianparent - your guide to pregnancy, baby and child rearing.
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