My girlfriend has cheated on me 4 times, and now I feel paranoid when she's not home. What should I do?

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If you want to rebuild trust, you need to speak openly about how you felt about the issues and how difficult it is to trust them.
But you also need to be prepared to hear why she felt compelled to cheat - be it because she felt lonely in her dynamic or because she didn't feel so committed to monogamy.
Once you're both on the same page, you can decide how you want to get ahead, if at all. If your friend isn't ready to talk about what she's done, that's a big red flag.
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I've been with my girlfriend for four years now. During that time she cheated on me with four men, but I still let her into my life.
She currently works as a receptionist in a hotel and all sorts of men ask her for her number. She gives it to them without hesitation, and when I confronted her, she asked if anyone had called our house and said that if they said something stupid, she would end the calls immediately.
I don't trust her and when she works outside the house I feel like she'll cheat on me. These thoughts kill me. Did I make a big mistake staying with her after the scam?
- Nigeria
Dear Nigeria,
I wouldn't call your decision a mistake, but the fact that you don't trust your girlfriend speaks volumes.
It is possible to rebuild this trust and thus your relationship dynamics, but only if you and your girlfriend really want to make these efforts.
As psychotherapist Tammy Nelson told me earlier, "If you wake up and want to change your relationship and [yourself], this could be an incredible moment."
Although your friend is the one who cheated, repairing a relationship after an affair requires both partners to be willing. That means you have to be open to approaching your friend and honestly telling her how you felt about the affairs. Explain why giving her number to men she meets at work makes you nervous and increases the lack of trust you put in her.
Now for the difficult part.
If you want your relationship to have a real fight chance, you must also listen to your friend who explains what made her cheat. Listening does not mean that you justify their actions, but helps you to see things from their side.
This way, you can find out that she cheated because she felt lost, lonely, or disconnected from your relationship. These reasons don't rid her of what she's done, but they can serve as starting points for a healthier relationship.
Of course, it is also possible that she cheated because she was not as committed to monogamy as it appears to be. According to Nelson, people who feel this way often become serial fraudsters.
Once you think about where your girlfriend is from, you can better decide whether your relationship should be fixed or whether it's time for you to move on.
But if you ask your girlfriend to have this conversation and she scares you off or doesn't seem interested in trying to change, it's a red flag that your relationship isn't going anywhere.
"The person who is cheating must be a little unsettled and let the experience disturb them," said Matt Lundquist, founder of Tribeca Therapy in New York City. "It has to be treated as a major life event. It has to hurt a little to grow and change."
If your partner isn't ready to take this step with you, it's probably not a relationship worth investing your time and emotional energy in.
Julia Naftulin is the insider-based reporter for sex and relationships and is here to answer all your questions about dating, love and acting - no question is too strange or taboo. Julia regularly consults a group of health professionals, including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists, to get scientifically sound answers to your burning questions with a personal touch.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions are published anonymously.
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