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It's one thing to have a lazy partner, but quite another when that partner is also hateful, abusive, spiteful, manipulative, and completely careless. Unfortunately, this 23-year-old mother faces the wrath of her husband, the same age, who possesses every one of those repulsive, shameful traits.
On Reddit's "Am I The A—hole" forum, the woman first explains that she stopped the internet on all the devices in her house because her husband refused to give their 8-month-old son a bath at night, as part of a routine that she introduced for the baby. She wants to know if she's making this an A-hole, but the situation is far more complex than the internet/gaming debacle. She writes, "I know this sounds like YTA, but let me explain, there's a lot of background information that went into this decision."
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"My husband doesn't help at all around the house. Doesn't wash dishes, doesn't do laundry, doesn't clean a room in the house, doesn't cook dinner, etc. He comes home and throws his uniform on the floor and leaves it there until the next day. When the house is dirty, he scolds me and tells me I don't do anything, don't clean enough, don't cook enough, etc.” Hypocrite is probably the nicest word we have for this sodden diaper man.
She continues: “Our biggest problem is the baby. I am 99.9% the primary caregiver for our son. I get up with him at night when he wakes up crying. My husband will be here or there, but he will start yelling at me that he needs to rest and that I need to get up. When our son is sick, I'm the one who takes the job. I've missed almost 6 weeks of work in the last 3 months because my husband didn't even ask his manager if he could stay home one of those days.”
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"I'm the one who gets up at 6 a.m. and stays with our son until about 12-1 p.m. and then I tell my husband he has to get up and take care of the baby so I can take a nap (he's asleep between 8 and 14 hours a day while I nap between 1 and 4 hours). When I get up he complains that I've slept 'all day' while he was alone with the baby and I'm lazy."
We honestly falter at the sheer boldness this guy has. He should be grateful for the overwhelming burden his wife is shouldering, concerned about her lack of sleep, and more than willing to share responsibilities. Instead, he does nothing and yells at her for doing her best given the nonexistent support she has.
Explaining more about their dynamic — they're both in the Navy — she writes, "I was recently promoted to E-5 after standing up three times in a row and taking a tough exam I was studying for. Unfortunately my husband didn't make it this time and he's still an E-3 and he blames me for that and says that if he hadn't had to move from his previous command after a year he would have made it. My husband told me that it was no surprise that I made it because my job is easy and we just sit at the computer all day while he works out on machines in the sun and cold (I'm in the Secret Service and he has a job manual). Then he'll say he's joking and didn't mean to be rude, but that's a constant thing he does."
He's clearly projecting his own insecurities about his failures onto his hardworking, talented, well-deserved wife. The idiot should give up video games and put in the work to earn a promotion, but he also probably has a bogus excuse for why that wouldn't work.
The woman explains: “I took a break from the game tonight because we feed our son and give him a bath every night at 7pm sharp. He's always had this routine. After I fed the baby, I told my husband it was time for the bath (having already laid out all the baby clothes and post-bath clothes) and my husband told me to just put the baby in the playpen, until it's there finished playing.'”
She continues: "I gently told him no that it's bedtime and I wouldn't change our son's routine so he could play the game half an hour longer and my husband needs to learn to prioritize. Then I stopped playing and my husband flew off the handle, threatened to break my phone and refused to give our son a bath, calling me lazy for not doing it instead. My husband literally jumps on the game and plays from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep.”
All in all, the poor woman is still asking if she's the A-hole when it's achingly clear that she absolutely definitely isn't. Redditors flooded the responses with empathy, support, and suggestions, with one user writing, "A couple of things here: First off, NTA. Apparently. Second, you're in the military and he's acting like he's the only one working. He obviously can't handle your success, let alone the fact that you're basically cleaning up after two kids. The fact that you made it to E5 with all that madness is amazing so I applaud you.”
They continue: "Third and possibly the biggest point here: This relationship is something that bothers me a lot. He threatened to BREAK YOUR PHONE? I'm a BH in the military, and this stuff is escalating. Consider couples counseling (not sure if he'll be on board) or consider… ways to get out. I know it's not what you want to hear with a little baby and being military I assume your family isn't around but seriously find a way to become independent of this man and find your way. I wish you and your baby all the best."
Another person commented: "NTA. Your husband abuses you and neglects your baby. Even if you were a stay-at-home parent, you shouldn't have to deal with most of the childcare. However, you both work...yet your husband demands that you're always the one who gets up in the middle of the night when the baby needs something, you're the one who has to clean, you're the one who has to take time off work, you you're the one whose job doesn't matter."
One person put it very bluntly: “You don't have to just pause the game. You must complete your marriage.”
OP hopped into the replies, writing: "Update: my husband just walked into the bedroom and told me he wants a divorce because he's sick of my shit. Lol." Redditors encouraged her to capitalize on his threat, with one user writing, "This is the nicest gift he could ever give you. Take his offer." Another commented, "Leave him to yourself worry and you find an actual support system. You shouldn't concern yourself with that, you really aren't even in a relationship anymore. You guys just clash in the same room."
OP jumped back into the thread to give more context, writing, "For those asking why I had a baby with him, trust me I've been wondering the same thing over and over again. But hindsight is 20/20, the baby is here and a very lovely boy and the light of my life. It breaks my heart to think that his father doesn't see him as a priority and that he might grow up treating women the way his father treats me. Trust me - I want to go and I've been thinking about it for a while.
In response, one user wrote: "Look what's done is done. You need to get out for you and your son because this deadbeat is only going to get worse and drag you down. It took me 4 years and a 2 year old before I left. The whole writing down of successes is called insecurity and jealousy and that has no place in a partnership. Your winnings should be his. Obviously he sees you as competition. You can't be married to someone like that. It will never work.”
OP clearly felt the thread was a safe space for her and opened up even more. She wrote: "I'm just going to give you guys a little more information because I'm not telling anyone the extent of this for fear my son might be taken from me by his father. When I got pregnant, my husband (boyfriend at the time) told me I had to have an abortion or he wouldn't be involved at all. I accepted that and decided to keep him alone.”
The wife continued, "My husband then changed his mind and said he wanted to be a family and be involved and that's why we got married (so we could be stationed together). During my pregnancy, my husband ignored me constantly, ignoring all my calls and texts. Constantly threatened with divorce. It got so bad that at 5 months I was close to having an abortion because the stress was too much. He threatened to sue me if I did.” How ironic is that? This guy is absolutely mean.
“After I had the baby, my husband went back to his duty station. I was developed using PPD, PPA and PPPTSD," she shared. "My husband told me that I was annoying and needy and that I didn't know what fear was. He again ignored my calls and texts while I was home alone with our son for 3 months. He had an emotional affair with a friend of his and chose her over his son and me the first time I asked for a divorce because I couldn't stand the disrespect, lies and sneaking around they did. She eventually disappeared from his life after I confronted her and texted her husband to let him know of their 'friendship'."
She continued, "My husband has spoken negatively about my weight, my intelligence, my dream career and my worth as a wife, wife and mother. I haven't left yet because I was so down that I was convinced that I had nowhere to go and couldn't make it without him and that no one would want me the way I am after having a baby (his words). After getting a promotion last week and having a job to do after I left, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm finally ready to step out and let go. Ready to be free.”
People met her with even more support, with one user writing, "Abusers are really good at convincing their victims that they have nowhere to go and no one is going to want them. But they are lying liars, lying to keep their victims. I'm so proud of you for seeing through his shit."
Another Redditor wrote: "It sounds like you've finally got the hang of it, please don't let complacency and fear of the unknown tempt you to stick with him. As scary as it is, I hope you file for full custody. Guys like this make misogynist hell when women get custody and he's gonna be mad about it. But he doesn't care about your child. Your child will be ignored while continuing to play. Don't let him tempt you into continuing this abuse.”
One person encouraged the young mother, writing kind words of praise that certainly touched the woman's heart. "You can do this," they wrote. "You are obviously an amazing wife - you take care of him, take care of him, work hard and get a promotion for your family, leave him alone to pursue his hobbies and nurture his relationship with his son - an amazing mother – you clearly love your son, want the best for him and try to protect him – from this post I can tell you are smart and level headed and a brilliant woman.”
They continued, "It's pretty clear that HE's the one who thinks no one else would want him, which is why he has to put you down so you don't leave him. What kind of woman wants a man who is abusive, does nothing around the house, is a terrible husband, and a neglectful father? Only the kind that is compassionate and loving, exceptionally patient and good. You got into this situation because you are these things, and you get out of this because you're also smart, tough, and brave."
OP revealed more information again in a follow-up comment, writing: "Also: I've always wanted to get a divorce but we're from states across the country and I'm retiring from the military next year and he got four more. He made it clear that he will not allow me to bring my son back to my home state so I can be with my family."
Redditors once again flocked to her side with suggestions and encouragement. One user wrote: "Before you listen to your husband what he will 'allow' you to, listen to a lawyer what the law says you are allowed to do. I think you'll find that you have a lot more power than you think." Another commented, "He won't be able to. He threatens you because he knows that's your biggest fear. You need a good lawyer and papers.”
Another Redditor wrote: "He can't stop you. Especially since you can prove that you take on most of the childcare. Talk to a lawyer and line up your ducks. He tells you lies to get what he wants. Don't believe him and allow him to chain you to himself out of fear.”
We wholeheartedly agree with all the advice given to this poor woman in her AITA thread and we sincerely hope that she can escape the prison she is currently in with her abusive, manipulative and neglectful partner. She and her son deserve so much more and we hope this is the start of their journey to a happy, healthy and fulfilling life without the rotten banana peel of a "dad" and "partner" that this vile man is.
Before you go, check out these incredible stories about Reddit's worst dads.
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