Relationship experts say these are the 8 red flags to look out for when you start dating someone — and some are surprisingly common
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Crystal Cox / Insider
It's fun to meet someone new, but every new relationship is full of challenges.
Sometimes this new person shows signs that you shouldn't go any further.
Everyone has their own quirks and opinions, and someone who is a little different is no reason to run into the mountains.
However, if you compromise or feel uncomfortable, these are warning signs.
Insider has asked eight relationship experts, many of whom specialize in helping people who have been in abusive relationships, to consider what to look for in an important red flag.
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1. They justify their bad behavior.
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Crystal Cox / Insider
"If you find yourself justifying what he does or says, even though it feels wrong in your stomach, that's a surefire red flag. The mind is the smartest Photoshopper - he can rationalize everything and paint every picture of everyone, Depending on Our Initial Perspective: There is a psychological phenomenon known as "confirmation bias" in which we tend to reject any evidence that does not agree with our beliefs and only keep those that do, and with one potentially toxic person they have made a false positive impression of working their way into your heart.
"Even if you do something bad or say something that's wrong, you might think, 'He's only because he went through X.' This is when boxes are ticked: "Is he rude to the waiter?", "Is he nice to his family members?" It doesn't work. It could be all - the slimmest toxic people are. But behind it when it says things like, "So next time they'll treat us better," or he'll have a dirty mouth to some people, and if you find that you justify his transactional attitude or meanness, it's time to pause and step back. Our brain is working overtime to convince us of someone who is not good for us, even if our courage knows it. "
- Perpetua Neo, psychologist, toxic relationship expert and creator of Detox Your Heart
2. You are not talking about topics.
Couple of unfortunate intimacy
Peter Cade / Getty
"I would say the only big red flag in a person's behavior that suggests that the relationship isn't working is the unwillingness to talk about big or small problems. All couples have differences of opinion. This is perfectly normal and healthy. But it's how do you deal with these disagreements that can really make or destroy things? Does your partner go away? Shut down? Blame them? Throw a tantrum? These are all red flags.
"In a good relationship, a couple can and will talk about problems, listen to each other's point of view and express their own. No one has to win or lose. It is about expressing how something makes you feel and let yourself be heard. Communication is the key. "
- Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of the dating site "A Little Nudge"
3. You are constantly testing your limits.
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Crystal Cox / Business Insider
"Run in front of anyone trying to cross a limit you set. Examples: You said you didn't want to go sexually and you insisted that you were unavailable on Sunday, but they urged you to see it is you. " They're not ready to meet them with your family or friends, but they urge you, they only urge you to be up to date before you are ready to move in or marry, or open a bank account before you try to to change how you wear your hair, clothes, or anything else that feels like 'you' and feels uncomfortable. "
- Lisa Fontes, psychologist and author of "Invisible Chains: Overcoming Compulsory Control in Your Intimate Relationship"
4. You have a massive sense of sophistication.
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Westend61 / Getty
"When we see that someone feels entitled to do more for them than is equal in a relationship, it is a big red flag that they are someone who uses people. Do you feel comfortable with us? Because it is only nursing shows a really clear lack.
"I think [it shows] when we ask someone for help because we are tired or overwhelmed or our plate is too full and that person says: 'Yes, I will get to it' and never does it or the person says: "Well, I can't now" if she's not really that busy. I often see that in marriages and dating relationships where there is always one person who satisfies the other person's needs. One person gives and gives and there and the other person returns one. There is an imbalance. And the other selfish person is usually fine when their needs are met.
"When you use someone, you don't really care about them, their wellbeing, or their general happiness in life. It's a habitual pattern. It's almost as if life is there to meet their needs and people are just goods to do that. "
- Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of "Healing Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Mental Health Recovery"
5. Something in your stomach feels wrong.
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Crystal Cox / Insider
"Since red flags appear on the path of abuse, victims see different behaviors over time and abuse. The first thing to look for is your own intuition and listening to your gut - if you feel that Something is wrong, things are wrong. Don't summarize, trust them. The history of past relationships is the key to understanding their behavior, as well as the way they talk about past partners. If everyone in their past ' crazy ', that's a big red flag.
"Deeds speak louder than words. If the date says one thing and does another, look deep inside yourself and tell yourself that it will only get worse and go away. When you go out with someone who is trying to do one Accelerate Relationship Without Giving You Time To get to know them properly, slow it down and take control. If you are not patient with this request, get out. Never be in a hurry, even if it feels good "A soul mate will be kind and patient while the perpetrators confuse and control the victim. If you prove difficult to control quickly, an abuser will withdraw and you will avoid heartache."
- Tracy Malone, YouTube relationship expert
6. Everything revolves around them.
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Crystal Cox / Business Insider
"An important reading flag in relationships is when everyday, events, conversations, and basic interactions are often about this person - where there is constant manipulation and abuse of power over you. For example, you could use the person you meet with Confronting something that you did or said that hurt you. Instead of listening to your concerns and apologizing, they will manipulate and turn the conversation and tell you everything you did to hurt and annoy them. This scenario shows signs of narcissism and things only get worse the more time you spend together. They don't care about you and your worries. You only care about yourself. Narcissists are devoid of empathy. They don't think they do are wrong in something and they will feel constantly harassed - they accuse you of attacking them if you only express your feelings in a situation en.
"Over time, you may feel alone and constantly guilty, and you may even doubt your own self-esteem and self-worth. This is definitely a reason to distance yourself from the person you meet with. Narcissistic abuse is emotional and emotionally psychologically harmful to their partners and almost everyone they interact with. "
- Catenya McHenry, journalist and author of "Married to a Narcissist"
7. They are too critical of their former partners.
Nathan Walker / Unsplash
"I think people are very predictable. Whatever they have done in previous relationships, they are likely to do it again. This means that you are listening carefully to how your new lover describes his important previous relationships and how he or she talks about them You can learn a lot about how that person is likely to treat you. If people describe all of their exes as terrible people and blame them for the failure of the relationship, this is a red flag for me. It practically shouts: "I can take no responsibility for what went wrong. I have learned nothing from these relationships. It's up to you to make our relationship work. "
"It is also likely that they will not be able to see people in an integrated and realistic way. When they started meeting these other people, they probably saw them as extremely desirable and all the best. Now that these relationships are over, they're the same people, they're all bad. Either they have a knack for choosing the absolutely worst people to relate to, or they see all of these people in a very distorted way. If they're not realistic before you see or do if any of these relationships work, they are unlikely to be able to do that with you. "
- Elinor Greenberg, psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The pursuit of love, admiration and security"
8. They are constantly rejected, criticized or dismissed by them.
Giulia Bertelli / Unsplash
"You can be in a relationship with an emotional manipulator when you see an emotional double standard in the relationship, experience how your feelings are denied, criticized or fired, give in to yourself to keep peace, and see that your self-esteem decreasing You may feel that something is wrong, e.g. secrets, unexplained behavior, unexpected reactions, or you are increasingly criticized, accused, dejected or discounted (often jokingly at first) and feel confused by explanations about hurtful ones Behaviors. "
- Margalis Fjelstad, therapist and author of "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Carry On with Life"
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