The Trump White House has entered its final stage: complete meltdown
Photo: Drew Angerer / Getty Images
The final days of the Trump presidency are increasingly resembling the fictional presidency in the movie Monsters vs. Aliens.
In case you missed this 2009 animated masterpiece, President Hathaway (voiced by Stephen Colbert) is responding to an alien invasion with a team of unlikely heroes, including a giant Modesto television reporter, a mad scientist cockroach, and a giant drop Jell-O.
One of the running gags is that the president installed two red buttons in his situation room. One is to do your morning latte, the other is to start all your nuclear weapons. He can never remember what is what.
In the last month of Donald Trump's time in the Oval Office, he finally put his own team together from oversized bits and pieces, self-glorifying wingnuts, and mindless gelatin lumps. You can decide for yourself whether this latest incarnation of its "elite strike group" of advisors is more likely to shoot down all nuclear weapons or prepare a fresh cup of coffee.
At the center of the team to save Planet Trump are the carefree characters of Sidney Powell and Michael Flynn, who reportedly met with the soon-to-be ex-president at the White House for several hours on Friday.
Related: Trump issues an order to call for new federal buildings to be "beautiful".
Both Powell and Flynn were previously fired by the reality TV star-turned-president who eventually built a public role to fire people on The Apprentice. But on Planet Trump, the layoffs aren't as final as they seem, which sure means it isn't too late for the Mooch to extend its 10-day service to the nation.
Powell was excluded from the elite lawyers' strike group just a month ago for her bizarre claims that Joe Biden won the presidential election with mysterious "communist money" and the support of the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
But that was so in November. Well, as the New York Times first reported, Powell's eccentric allegations form the basis of Trump's desire to appoint her as special adviser to investigate the Venezuelan conspiracy.
Trump's attorney general, Bill Barr, told reporters Monday that he did not need to appoint a specific lawyer to investigate the election or Biden's son Hunter.
But it is only a matter of time before Powell dismantles the body of Chavismo again. A few days in particular: Barr leaves his office on Wednesday, mysteriously a few weeks before anyone else in the Trump administration.
Friday's surreal cops meeting included Michael Flynn, Trump's first national security adviser, who has the special honor of being fired by both Obama and Trump - a rare point of yin-yang match in the American presidency. Flynn lied to Mike Pence and the FBI about his conversations with the Russian ambassador and pleaded guilty to the Mueller investigation.
Flynn has been reprieved by the man who fired him and is now pleading for Trump to invoke martial law to run the election again. This would normally be key to carrying out a Chavista coup, but is obviously now the victim of a Chavista coup.
One of the leaders of this crazy gang is Patrick Byrne, the former CEO of Overstock, who left the online retailer last year and claims he danced a Russian agent on behalf of "The Men in Black". Good luck understanding that, or Byrne's latest endeavor: what he calls "a team of hackers and cybersleuths and other people with strange abilities." For Trump's favorite news channel, the OAN, this is an "elite cybersecurity team".
It is entirely possible that "elite" means something different on Planet Trump. It is also possible that there are huge television reporters in Modesto.
This is the self-destructive, nonsensical house that Trump built
Byrne, who tweeted that he was part of the long White House meeting with Flynn and Powell, says Trump is being lied to by his own advisors and that his buddy can still win the election he so clearly lost.
“It is 100% winable. No martial law required, ”he tweeted. “Sydney and Flynn introduced a course that I estimate has a 50% to 75% chance of winning. His co-workers are just trying to convince him not to do anything but accept it. As CEO, my heart broke to see what he was going through. He is betrayed from within. "
It must have been heartbreaking to sit in the bunker and watch sanity and constitution find their way into the entertainment as our brave reality TV star battled his own unfaithful lackeys.
Unfortunately, the disease is not confined to the Oval Office and will outlive its current resident. Back on Earth, there is no chance Trump will successfully command the military to intervene in the elections, and no chance Congress will overthrow the electoral college. But these troublesome facts are not going to stop the Trumpista movement, which is now the Republican Party.
Take Clay Higgins, the duly elected representative of the Third District of Louisiana. Higgins is a reserve law enforcement officer with a tense relationship with reality. He made a name for himself by taping fancy Crime Stoppers messages that his own sheriff told him to stop.
"When Biden is inaugurated as the 46th President of the United States on January 20, it will mark the final hour of the conspiracy to dismantle the American electoral process and the first hour of the conspiracy to dismantle America," Higgins tweeted on Sunday.
Ordinary presidents treat their final weeks of office like a president's marshmallow test. While desperate to comment on everything the president-elect does, they delay their gratification for their memoirs.
They may be hoping for a post-president mission, or at least a reassessment of their place in post-president history. But they are dignified in silence in order to gain a little dignity after leaving office.
This is clearly not the Trump plan. There are no post-president missions or historical re-evaluations. There are only more outrageous threats and tweets to end a short political career awash with outrageous threats and tweets.
This is the self-destructive, nonsensical house that Trump built.
"What idiot designed this?" President Hathaway asks his advisors about the two red buttons in Monsters vs Aliens.
"You have, sir," says a general.
"OK. Then fire someone," the president shoots back.
Soon no one will be fired. Or hire again. There will only be one Donald Trump surrounded by a room full of Wackadoodle theories with no staff pretending to take it seriously.
Richard Wolffe is a US columnist for the Guardian
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