What is fleabagging? Here's how to stop this self-sabotaging behavior
Do you remember when you didn't know what "ghosting" meant? Neither do I. It perfectly describes a dating situation we have all been in, and it happens so often that it appears that the word has always existed. Although "ghosting" has been part of your slang language for the past few years, it's time to add another dating term to your list - and this is known as fleabagging.
This word comes from the character Fleabag, which was created and played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge on her show with the apt name Fleabag. Throughout the show, Fleabag has one love problem after another and always seems to be disappointed by her romantic partners or make contradictory decisions when it comes to love - and that's how the term was born.
If you "fled" yourself, it means that you go out with the same types of people again and again, even if they are bad for you. You never learn entirely from past mistakes or act differently to find love, but always hope for the best, only to be disappointed again and again.
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If this sounds familiar to you, it is likely that all of your previous partners fit into one form and all of your relationships have ended the same way. It is a simple trap to get into, especially since it is difficult to identify toxic relationships when you are in the middle. But the good news is that there are many ways to break the cycle and stop fleeing yourself. Try these tips.
1 Identify the problem.
It may not feel good to deal with Fleabag's tendency towards bad relationships so intensely, but recognizing your own unhealthy patterns is the best way to make a change, matchmaker Susan Trombetti told HelloGiggles. "You can't fix it if you don't know it's an issue at first," she says. Consider your deep, emotional connection to Fleabag a good thing.
When comparing your own dating habits with Fleabag's, it's important to ask yourself: Are you referring to one of their habits? Are you dating the same people that appear in the series (i.e., people who are emotionally unavailable, uninterested, immature, etc.)? Also think about your recent breakups and consider why these relationships ended. Patterns may appear, and once they do, be honest but kind to yourself. If a habit doesn't work for you, it's time to stop repeating it. Just don't get ready when this knowledge comes into play. Just like Fleabag, you learn and grow. Nobody is perfect.
2 Get an outside perspective.
Sometimes it is enough to simply abandon a bad habit to make it go away. But sometimes it will take a lot of work to overcome, especially if it has been ingrained for years. And here a friend, family member or therapist can help give an outside perspective as well as really good advice.
"Talk to a therapist who can help you solve the problem," says Trombetti. "Perhaps you had an emotionally unavailable parent and you're always looking for people like that. Whatever your problem, they can help you uncover the cause and find healthy solutions to fix it. "
3 Keep working on your self-esteem.
Even though it's always said much easier than done, finding ways to increase your self-esteem can make a big contribution to keeping toxic people and dead ends away. For example, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist: "Increased self-esteem tends to lead to significantly improved relationship decisions and relationship quality."
Not sure where to start? Take the time to focus on yourself. It sounds too good to be true, but when you find things that are important to you - such as hobbies, spending time with friends, etc. - your confidence increases.
4 Think about the characteristics you expect from a partner.
It is natural to keep falling for a certain "type" of a person. After all, you can't help what your heart wants. However, if your relationships didn't work out, you should focus on who someone is at their core, rather than getting involved in their superficial characteristics.
"It is important to take a step back and think about what you need from a partner and what properties you should look for and what you were looking for," dating expert Maria Sullivan told HelloGiggles. Think about these properties and write them down. Do you want a partner who loves? Loyal to? Goal-oriented? Also ask yourself: What kind of partner would you like to stay away from?
Compare this new list to the people you were normally attracted to in the past. I suspect they won't share the same traits - so it feels like you're caught in a loop. Prioritize these traits when you are not together and give new people a chance. It will take some effort to break old habits and officially stop saving yourself - but the good news is that you can.
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